a day in the life

Aria is awake. She's out in the hallway, holding her woobies and whimpering "I want Daddy." I groan, roll over, and look over at the clock. 8:30 a.m. I start calculating the hours of sleep in my head: Let's see. Went to bed at 11:30. Audrey woke up to eat at 3:30, so that's... um... 4 hours right? Back to sleep at 4ish. Then she woke up again at 5. 1 more hour. Then we just dozed off and on from 5 until now because Audrey never really went back to sleep. So what's that count as? I don't even know how to count that.

"I want Daddy."

I pull myself together, get out of bed, and go collect my daughter, two woobies, Pig, Bug, and Teddy Bear into a big floppy pile. Hosie is getting up too - since Audrey is still awake-ish there's no point in her pretending to sleep anymore. We go downstairs.

Everyone is too tired to make a real breakfast, so we just get cereal. Aria doesn't want milk on hers today. "I don't want milk. It gets soggy." Oh. Um... okay. I give her a bowl of dry cereal then. She eats maybe four or five pieces and that's it. I'm so groggy I can barely get her out of her jammies and diaper. Amazingly, she doesn't fight it when I put her into a clean diaper, shirt, and pants: she's distracted by some toys on the coffee table.

Hosanna has nursed Audrey again and she's finally gone to sleep. Audrey, I mean, not Hosanna. Now Hosanna says "it would be nice to get out of the house and go to the cafe again." Which does sound like a good idea, because we have been really cooped up for a while. But I'm intimidated - we haven't taken both kids out of the house together yet.

10:15 a.m.: After hemming and hawing for a while, I finally decide I'm up to the challenge of taking the family to the cafe. But we have friends coming over this afternoon. "What time are they coming?" I ask. "1:00", Hosanna answers. Now anyone without kids will laugh at this, but at this point, I'm honestly wondering whether we can make it to the cafe and back in two hours and 45 minutes. Hosanna reassures me that we can do it. OK, I say. I just need to go upstairs to get my socks.

10:30 a.m.: I got distracted by !@#$% Facebook on the way to my socks. I come downstairs. Hosanna says "Wow, that took longer than I expected."

Now I realize we need to pack up the diaper bag for not one but two kids. So while Hosanna gets herself ready, I start collecting kid accoutrements of every shape and size: diapers, spare clothes, burp cloths, receiving blankets, toys for Aria, etc.

10:45 a.m.: We have finally packed the diaper bag, and have gotten Audrey into her car seat and into the car. But Aria, who just ten minutes ago was really excited about going and picking out her own bagel, has suddenly decided she doesn't want to go. If we even come near her she screams "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" and starts to writhe like a snake. Situation is precarious: one kid in car, one kid being obstinate. I am getting a little freaked out.

10:55 a.m.: Aria still won't budge. Audrey has woken up and is starting to cry.

11:00 a.m.: Audrey is fully screaming now. I get a juice box out of the fridge and give it to Aria, muttering a silent prayer that I'm not now setting the expectation that if she throws a fit, she will get something sweet as a reward. She digs into her juice with gusto, forgetting all about the fears of getting into the car for the time being.

Thankfully, as we pull out of the driveway, Audrey calms down. Maybe, I think hopefully, this is a good sign that later in life she'll nap in the car easily.

11:05 a.m.: We arrive at the coffee shop. I get out, go over and get Audrey out of the car. Hosanna puts on the sling, and we get Audrey into it. She's sound asleep now. I go over to the other side of the car to get Aria out. As I reach down to unclip her restraints, she quite suddenly slaps my hand away and yells "NOOOOO!" again. Um. OK, I think, what's going on now?

11:10 a.m.: Aria just absolutely does not want to get out of the car. Hosanna and Audrey have gone in to the cafe: since Hosanna is still recovering from the delivery, she can't stand up for long periods at a time, especially not while holding an extra ten pounds. So I'm left with this choice:

a) I could impose my will on Aria, and yank her out of the car with force. After all, I'm the parent, I'm bigger, and this is a damn inconvenience. The result of this will most certainly be that she cries all the way into the cafe and creates a big scene.

b) I can stay here with her in the car until she's ready to get out. Sucks for me, because I'm hungry and want to go order. But, avoids a scene, and is more considerate of her needs.

After a couple minutes of deliberation, I choose b), get in the front seat, turn on the radio, and listen to some baseball.

11:30 a.m.: Finally, I hit on the motivation that appeals to Aria: I suggest that she might like to get out and run through the parking lot with me. Her eyes light up and she says "Yeah!" So, we get out, and run over to the coffee shop. Getting in through that door feels like running through the yellow tape at the end of a marathon.

Hosanna hasn't ordered anything yet. She was waiting for us, always thinking we would be getting out of the car any second now. So now we're all pretty hungry and grumpy.

11:45 a.m.: Bagels finally arrive. Aria tears into hers with gusto, and finally it dawns on me what the problem was all along - she didn't eat enough breakfast. No wonder, I think. But I was too sleepy to figure this out three hours ago when it would have been useful information.

Meanwhile, Audrey has been sleeping happily in the sling, blissfully unaware of the drama.

12:05 p.m.: We start thinking we should head home. Aria is done with her bagel and talking excitedly about going and playing with Pig and Bug. OK, I say. I just need to clear up some of these dishes and get the rest of Hosanna's bagel wrapped up to go.

12:08 p.m.: We're all ready to go, except Aria is suddenly behaving very peculiarly. She's standing next to her chair, animatedly playing a new game where she runs her hand up and down the arm of the chair and says "We go up the stairs, we go down the stairs" over and over again. The game seems harmless, but she's being so intense about it, and is so resolutely ignoring us, that something seems amiss.

12:15 p.m.: The answer is: Aria has pooped. We've managed to coax her out of the coffee shop, but now we're in a pickle. We have to either change her diaper in the car, which she hates, or make her sit in the car seat with a mess in her diaper, which she also hates. Either way, it ain't going to be pretty. Hosanna says, "Maybe we could change her standing up in the back seat?" But I'm worried that Audrey is going to wake up again. My nerves are frayed enough. I don't think I could handle changing a reluctant toddler's poopy diaper while an infant is screaming nearby. So I make the decision (all by myself, I should add, without involving Hosanna at all - never a good idea) that Aria is going to have to get in her seat and be uncomfortable for the few minutes it takes us to get home.

Aria doesn't want to get into the seat, so I pull out a parenting tactic that I very, very rarely use, and absolutely hate doing: the "I'm going to count to three" deal. I do the count, and she doesn't get in the chair, so now I have to follow through and put her into the chair against her will. This makes her predictably pretty angry. I hate it but don't see any good alternative.

12:25 p.m.: We have made it home. I get Audrey out of the car quickly (thankfully, she's still asleep), then return and get Aria. Now, finally, I can really attend to her. I get her out of the car, tell her how sorry I am that she had to be uncomfortable for the ride home, and explain to her why we had to do it that way. I take her out to the living room, let her pick out a place where she would like me to change her (she chooses one of her nice soft blankets with a pillow, but only if I put down a receiving blanket on top of it, because she doesn't want to get poop on her blanket), and change her as gently and lovingly as I possibly can. When it's all said and done it seems as though she's forgiven me.

12:30 p.m.: I sneak upstairs to play on the computer for a while.

1:00 p.m.: Our friends arrive. I don't notice because I am groggily entranced in Facebook, craig's list, and the new version of iTunes (with Genius Lists!).

1:30 p.m.: I finally come downstairs and meet our friends. They are a young couple in their early twenties. They are great people, and I really like them. Talking to them today is like talking into another dimension though. I'm having a pretty hard time relating. Audrey doesn't wake up for them, so they are left with the impression that babies are pretty easy. After all, all they do is sleep!

2:30 p.m.: I suddenly realize that we all need lunch, before everyone gets grumpy again. I throw together some PB&J sandwiches and get out some crackers & cheese. Again, Aria starts wolfing hers down. I am feeling really guilty about not getting her fed on time. I really need to get focused.

4:00 p.m.: Our guests have left. I am totally shredded. Audrey is still sleeping, and Hosanna & Aria are having a quiet moment on the couch. I lie down on the floor and close my eyes for a bit.

5:00 p.m.: My naptime is over. Although I have done little but drift in and out of sleep, I actually feel refreshed. I play with Aria for a while while Hosanna nurses Audrey.

5:30 p.m.: I get dinner for us. It's leftovers for me and Hosanna, because I just don't have the energy to cook. Aria is still eating her PB&J from earlier. I get some apple for her too. She eats it, but only if we bite the "skin" off first.

6:30 p.m.: Hosanna's mom comes over. After a few minutes I again take the opportunity to slip away and play on the computer some more.

7:00 p.m.: Time to start Aria's bedtime. But I'm playing Scramble and don't notice.

7:15 p.m.: Still playing scramble.

7:30 p.m.: Holy crap, is it really this late already? OK, I'll just finish this round.

7:35 p.m.: Hosanna calls upstairs: "Michael? Aria needs you! She's pooped again and she wants you to change her!"

I finish my round, then run downstairs in a panic. Aria's diaper is so heavy it's practically falling off. I get her diaper off, get her all wiped up, and suggest she just go upstairs with me and get in the bath since she's already naked. Amazingly, she is excited about it and goes upstairs without further ado.

Meanwhile, Audrey, who has been awake for a while, falls asleep again.

8:05 p.m.: bath time is over. Time to brush teeth, get on a new diaper, and put on jammies.

8:15 p.m.: Now we're in Aria's room for the third and final piece of the routine: read books. And of course, she wants to read the same three books again tonight as last night, including "The Sneetches & Other Stories" by Dr. Seuss, which she has wanted every single night for seven straight days. Now I love this book, but I'm starting to get pretty freakin' sick of it.

8:40 p.m.: Reading time is over. Turn out the light. Aria is still pretty restless, so I tell her a Word World story in the dark.

9:15 p.m.: Aria fell asleep fairly easily after the story, thankfully. So I'm out of her room on time tonight.

Hosanna is getting ready to come upstairs with Audrey. Audrey's been asleep for nearly four hours and Hosanna finally decides she has to wake her up so she'll nurse.

10:00 p.m.: Hosanna's in bed. Audrey's asleep again. By all accounts, I should get in bed and sleep for my life. But I had that late nap and I'm wide awake, dammit. I go downstairs and watch some TV.

11:30 p.m.: I finally come up to bed and manage to fall asleep.

3:30 a.m.: Audrey wakes up to nurse. Afterward, she is wide awake. And no wonder. She slept almost solidly from 6:00 p.m. until now. Hosanna nurses her, then I get up to walk around with her. I am so freaking tired I can barely see straight. I go downstairs and put her in the swing for a while.

3:45 a.m.: Swing is not working out this time. She's too awake for it. I pick her up and start carrying her around some more. Hopefully I can keep her occupied so Hosanna can get another hour of sleep or so.

4:15 a.m.: I am going crazy. Audrey's squirming all over the place, but doesn't seem to be hungry. I've changed her diaper and burped her ten times over. Who knows what the frig she needs. I deliver Audrey to Hosanna again, hoping against hope that if she nurses again she'll fall asleep.

4:30 a.m.: She's done nursing already, and not looking even remotely tired. Sigh. I get up again, take her back downstairs, and walk around with her some more.

5:00 a.m.: Now Audrey is getting really hungry and starting to cry a bit. I take her back up to Hosanna where she nurses vigorously for about ten minutes, but yet again, doesn't fall asleep.

5:15 a.m.: I take Audrey back downstairs. I sit down in the cheap Ikea chair that sorta rocks a bit if you bounce in it, put her on my chest, and commence bouncing.

6:00 a.m.: Audrey has finally fallen asleep. Despite how tired I am, it was actually pretty nice to have her cuddled up against my chest for that long. I go upstairs feeling exhausted but warm and happy anyway. I put her into the co-sleeper. She's out cold. I get into the bed, snuggle up against Hosanna, and prepare to fall asleep at last.

6:02 a.m.: Audrey is stirring.

6:05 a.m.: Please God, Please God, don't let her be awake.

6:10 a.m.: OMFG, she's awake. She's really awake. WTF. WTF. WTF.

6:15 a.m.: We get Audrey out of the cosleeper and put her in the bed next to Hosanna so she can nurse. She's lying on top of a receiving blanket in case there's spit up. We learned that lesson pretty early on.

6:18:00 a.m.: I figure I'd better check Audrey's diaper since we're still awake and it's been a while. Yep, she's pretty wet. I take the diaper off and go over to the changing table to grab a new one.

6:18:15 a.m.: I return with the new diaper, only suddenly Hosanna and I discover at the same time that in the fifteen seconds since I took her diaper off, Audrey has let loose a colossal amount of pee onto our bed. There must be a quart of it here. Holy. Fucking. Shit. FIFTEEN FUCKING SECONDS!

Hosanna and I spring into action. Clamping the new diaper onto Audrey (a purely symbolic gesture at this point since she's clearly done now). Ripping off sheets and mattress pads. Getting new sheets out of the closet. Getting a new onesie out. Throwing all the peed on stuff into the washing machine. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Hosanna, ever the optimist, says "Hey, at least we didn't have a boy. If we had, that pee would have been a fountain all over everything."

6:45 a.m.: Crisis is over, but Audrey's still awake, so am I, and so is Hosanna. Fuckin A. Hosanna settles down with her to nurse again. I am doubtful I will be able to go back to sleep for anything meaningful before Aria wakes up. So what do I do? You guessed it, come over here and write it all up in the blog.

8:00 a.m.: I'm done blogging now. The garbage trucks are here, ensuring that I couldn't go back to sleep now even if I wanted to.

8:30 a.m.: Aria will wake up, and it all will start over again. :)