From the Land of the Lost

Well, here I am. It's been quite a while since I've had the time or motivation to post anything, but I'm finally getting around to it. Having a new baby messes with my sense of time in ways that I've never expereinced before, at least not sober. When I'm with Aria, every moment seems like a snapshot of eternity. Every smile, every laugh, every tear, seems to contain the whole universe in it. Nothing else exists. And then I look up and a month has passed.

Things have been hard for me, though. I am battling some post partum depression. I realized that I am grieving many losses right now. Most prominent is the feeling that I lost a very important moment when Aria was born and had to be rushed to the hospital so quickly. I am sad that I didn't get to hold her right away. I had this image in my head of the midwife handing me my child and laying in bed with Michael as Aria nursed for the very first time. My hope is that each moment I spend with her now goes against that loss somehow, but I still grieve for that. The other thing I grieve is the seeming loss of my old identity. I miss me. I miss reading in bed with Michael. I miss going to the bathroom without worrying about a baby on the other side of the door. I miss being able to cook and eat a hot meal. I miss making love out loud. I miss being a couch-potato. I miss being able to just run into the store to grab something really quick. Or doing anything really quick.

But as much as I miss the old me, I love the new me. Aria has shown me what I am capable of. She has brought out my strength that I never knew I had. She has made me feel in ways I could never have imagined. In life, many of us are afraid to love to our fullest capacity. We may find many ways of hiding from love out of fear that we will be hurt. It can take years to really become intimate with our friends, out spouses, our families. But having a baby breaks down all the walls in one swoop. It's instantly and incredibly intimate from the first moment, and there is no way to hide from the torrent of love that spills into every moment. My cup runneth over.

-Hosanna