"Work/Life Balance"

So I had my annual review at work, where I get rated/ranked for my yearly performance. I got a lower rating this year, unfortunately, because management feels that "I was on a very high trajectory, but lately I have leveled off." Which directly translates to: I started putting more emphasis on my home life once I had a kid, and management noticed, and therefore I'm not getting as big of a raise & bonus like I did in previous years.

I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I can see it from the company perspective - I mean, my job performance has diminished, and they should rate me appropriately, right? I went into this with my eyes wide open, knowing I was making a conscious choice to scale back, and willing to accept the consequences of that. Knowing it was the right choice to make for me, my daughter, and my wife. Knowing that I wanted to be the best father I can and that was my higher priority.

But there are many other angles too. I'm disappointed because I know that in at least one area of my life, I have not been living up to what I can achieve. The part of me that is very competitive and wants to be the best at everything is seriously chafed at getting a lower rating. It's like getting a C in a class that you know you could ace with just a little more effort.

Then there's the part of me that knows that a bigger raise = a better life for my family. And I can easily counter that argument with the knowledge that being present in my daughter's life is much more important than providing her with material goods. But there are debts (mortgage, anyone?) and stress and of course more money would help with those... you see this internal dialogue can go on and on and on.

Then there's the part of me that is seriously chafing because being a good father is about the least valued trait in a worker that I can think of. Extracurricular stuff like volunteering, organizing social events, serving on investigatory committees, etc is taken into account in your yearly review - but being a good parent sure isn't.

When I really look at this issue deep inside myself, though, I know that at my core, I feel like what our society knows as the "supermom" archetype. I'm trying to be the absolute best at everything - parenting, housekeeping, work, extracurricular interests - and instead I end up time and time again being overextended and unable to fulfill all my commitments. I haven't yet figured out what is realistic for me to take on when I have so many new responsibilities at home. And because I will nearly always prioritize my daughter over anything else, it is work, friends, my wife and myself who lose out. I'm not bitter about that or anything. It's just the facts of life for now.

At my work they have this notion called "work/life balance." It's the very corporate habit of putting a buzzword onto a common thing so the corporation can pretend that it invented the concept. It's also a bit Orwellian, considering that the same people who ask you if you have a good work/life balance are the ones asking you to work this weekend. As one of my managers put it, there is no such thing as work/life balance; there are work/life choices. Work will always ask more and more and more of you. You have to learn where and how to say no to it. But then once you start doing that, there will be consequences, as my annual review has shown.

Just after I had the review, we had a big production code release, which always brings a hefty wave of work: users start using the system and find all the hidden defects that our testers couldn't uncover. I had two 55 hour weeks in a row. At the end of that time, I felt like I barely knew my wife anymore. It's amazing how much your home life can suffer when you work that much. Yet there are people at my office who do that every week, all year long, year in and year out. There are managers who consider that degree of overtime as an expectation. Even managers who have kids themselves.