The beginning

According to my little calendar over here, today is allegedly week 9, day 64. Our little tyke is about an inch long and has all of its organs.

I picked up a copy of "The Expectant Father." The guy says that in the first month, the major thing that the father-to-be is probably feeling is elation. Thanks, buddy, for making me feel guilty for not feeling elated. I feel like I *should* be elated, but I'm not. I'm feeling a range of things, from scared shitless to proud to ambivalent and back to scared shitless, but where the hell is the elation hiding?

It's not like this was unplanned. We have wanted it for a while. We postponed it a couple years while we got through some uncertain times, and then there was another year where it seemed like it couldn't happen because my wife's body was eliminating all traces of the birth control pills she had taken for fifteen years. Then we really tried for just a couple months. Despite talking about it a lot and acknowledging the commitment we were making, at some level I still didn't really take it that seriously - mainly because years of birth control had trained me to believe that it's not even possible anymore. I mean come on, with all the abuse I've given to my body over the years, no way it's gonna work, right? Nevertheless, one morning in early January I'm eating a bowl of cereal in the kitchen when she comes downstairs, clutching the little dipstick thingamajig in one hand, and too-casually asks "does this look like a cross to you?"

So, now it's a month later, and the panic is still hanging out with me, like a new favorite CD. So many questions: How will we pay for the birth? Where will he/she sleep? How long can my wife take off work? What kind of diapers should we use? Where should we have the baby? What shouldn't my wife eat? How long will she be sick? Will it be a boy or a girl? What about names? Who do we still need to tell? What if I need to work lots of overtime? What about my wife's students? etc. etc. etc.

My wife is upstairs and I think she finally managed to sleep. So far the foods that are working for her are pickles, most kinds of fruit, fresh O.J., various soups, celery with cream cheese, cranberry juice, popsicles, pasta and bagels. The first thing that made her throw up was a chile relleno, which made us realize that fried food isn't going to fly anymore. The cravings are bizarre but they aren't that hard to get used to. I mean, even if she wasn't pregnant, I'm the type of guy who would run to the store at 11:00 on a Sunday to get her a jar of pickles. I'd probably get myself a beer or something too and we'd make it a party.

It's hard, though, seeing her in constant discomfort. She's a little more distant than usual because she's working through it. One morning she woke up totally parched after having dreams about being thirsty. She drank a big glass of water, then about ten minutes later threw it all up. She asks me things like "This isn't going to last for the whole pregnancy, is it?" And I can only say "I don't think so, baby," but what do I know? I don't know anything.